I Shaved My Legs For This? Read online

  I can tell myself over and over again that I’d never let him in again, but I know it’s all a lie. Fear overcomes the pools of depression and sadness I swim in every single day. The fear of never getting over Taylor.

  “Fucking Oscar.” Olivia’s Dad’s roaring voice and shower of beer that lands on my shoulder bring me to what’s now going on. I let myself go when Olivia went on explaining how she’s been planning for months and wants a simple wedding and the fact she wants to get married in her dad’s backyard by the garden her mother adored.

  “Get back here you little bastard.” Olivia’s Dad races around the front of the house. “Who in the hell left the gate open?”

  His voice soon grows faint as he runs after hell dog aka Oscar, his wiener dog. The dog is the spawn of Satan and is only loved by one person, Olivia’s Dad.

  Olivia removes one hand from Oren’s shoulder and raises it. “I accidentally and on full purpose left it open.”

  All of us roar in a unison of laughter and secretly hope the little bastard outruns Olivia’s Dad this time.

  “Do you have plans about where you’re settling after the wedding?” Dad tries to bring up conversation again.

  “I bought a house over on California Street, and we’ll move in there after the wedding. Olivia refuses to move in before marriage.”

  “Which house?” Dad asks Oren and then takes a long pull from his beer.

  “The yellow one on the corner. It’s only a few blocks from here. I know my girl would want to be close to home.” Oren reaches up and squeezes Olivia’s hand.

  I watch their tender interaction as Olivia leans down and places a gentle kiss on his forehead and mumbling those three magic words to him. I had no idea about the house and am guessing it was part of the surprise proposal. A twinge of jealousy boils up deep inside me. It’s not the fact that they’re so in love, but it’s that I’m losing a part of my best friend that I’ll never get back. First Taylor and now Olivia…

  “Honeymoon?” Mom asks handing dad another cold beer.

  “We are going to Jamaica for two weeks,” Olivia squeals. “And Scout that reminds me that I have a favor to ask of you.”

  “To go as your best friend forever. We did promise each other in third grade that we’d take one another on our honeymoons.”

  “Shit, I was wondering if you’d remember that and I already asked Oren, and he said no.”

  I toss my piece of French bread toward his head. “You rat bastard destroying dreams one at a time.”

  “I want her to myself, Scout, I mean we have big plans while we’re there.”

  “Yeah, humping each other’s brains out.” I pick at the seam of my hoodie and wish I had the same plans. Some good humping sounds perfect right now just like a good ol’ drag on a cigarette after a big meal.

  “Will you cover for me at Dad’s shop?” Olivia brushes back her bangs showcasing Reggie’s cock imprint on her forehead. “I mean you’re practically there with me every Saturday and on weekdays in the summer.”

  “Fuck, I can’t really say no, can I?” I smile up at her and simultaneously run all the options and reasons that I could say no.

  “Not after all the blind dates you made me suffer, hooker.”

  “Hey, you met Officer Lady Boner because of me.”

  “No, I didn’t, and I swear you’ll never let me live that down.”

  “I’ll think about covering for you at your dad’s shop. I think I’ll need double pay, a new office chair, and…”

  “Jesus, Scout, just say yes.”

  “Maybe, I’ll check my calendar.”

  Olivia chuckles at my last statement, “Oh yes, Scout, you may be tied up with Reggie, eh?”

  “Girls, girls, girls.” We all look to Olivia’s Dad packing in Oscar, the fucking devil under his arm. “Quit arguing. I can hear you from the damn street.”

  “See you caught the bastard,” Olivia says with laughter lacing each word.

  “Shut the damn gate next time, kid or I’ll whip your ass.”

  It seems like everyone else is amused by the normal banter between Olivia and her dad about the bastard dog, but I notice the man behind him. It’s Olivia’s Dad’s new help at the shop. His name is Dale, no Doug, Fuel…shit, I don’t remember.

  “Diesel.” Olivia hollers and then wraps him up in a hug. “Glad, you can join us.”

  I cackle like a lunatic gone bad when I hear his real name. No wonder Fuel kept popping up in my thoughts. Olivia goes on and on about Diesel and how big of a help he’s been to her dad. We all know he’s getting old and you can even hear his damn bones creak and crack when he sits down, so I know Olivia is beyond relieved to know her dad has found someone that he trusts with the shop and to work for him. For years, it’s been just him working his ass off, coming over to our house for dinner, and then tucking his sweet Olivia in at night.

  “Have you two met?” Olivia waves between Fuel and me.

  He has his hands tucked in his front pocket, with a sly grin covering his face. “Nice to meet you, Scout, I’ve heard a lot about you.”

  “Well, the legend is true and live in action.” I extend my hand grasping his in mine. “Nice to meet you as well Fuel.”

  “Diesel.” He corrects me taking a seat across from me.

  “Same thing.” I wave off my major fuck-up.

  He fits in well with all the chaos surrounding him. I watch him throughout the meal trying to analyze him and his thoughts.

  Pedro rabidly licks my ankle and toes. Olivia catches me kicking at the little fucker and gives me hell.

  “If you kick my dog. I’ll kick you so hard in the lady locker that I’ll fear my foot being swallowed.”

  “Tell your hell child to quit licking me.”

  Olivia hollers at him, but since he has no manners, she’s forced to pick him up and set him in her lap while she tries to eat. At some point, he escapes her grasp.

  “If you lick me one more time I’ll piss on you.” I stare under the table sending Pedro the death glare and then a haphazard kick his way.

  Diesel or Fuel or whatever in the hell his name sprays his drink across the table.

  “I’m not kidding, you little fucker. I will piss on you,” I holler one more time when Pedro lays another lick on my calf.

  “Scout, knock it off.” My mom scolds placing bowls on the table.

  I bend down and whisper under the table so only Pedro can hear. “I’ll piss so hard on you, it may break your spine. I’m not in the mood little fuckface.”

  Gasoline man chokes on his drink one last time.

  Chapter 3

  I just want my lonely, awkward best friend back and Taylor back and life to go back to the way it used to be. But, nope, here I sit nibbling on a cheese stick and coaxing Pedro to hump a pillow sitting next to me on the couch.

  It’s quite mind numbing and fucking hilarious watching the little pooch go to pound town on a pillow and then when I pull it away he perks up his little Yorkie ears and tilts his head. God, I think I’ve developed a fucking weird dog sex infatuation because I get joy out of watching the sexually frustrated fellow.

  “Jesus, I need to get my groove back.” I toss the pillow on the floor and let Pedro pound the pillow until tomorrow.

  I miss Olivia. I mean miss her like I miss my calm butthole when a bad case of hemorrhoids doesn’t flare up. My butt puckers just thinking of bad butt sex.

  “Fuck, now I’m an anal creep.”

  Pedro pauses from his hot fuck session with the pillow to look up at me.

  “Go back to it, little fellow, knock it out.”

  I’m lonely, and Scout is never depressed and lonely. I’m the goddamn life of the party bringing down the roof with my live personality and crude jokes. Taylor has crushed me, and that pisses me off even more. And after my pathetic attempts to fuck him out of my system, I’m ready to hump a pillow alongside Pedro.

  “Fuck this; I’m going out.” I jump from the couch and race to the bathroom.

 
I look in the mirror and don’t even recognize myself. My roots are in bad need of a serious touch-up, and I won’t even mention the fucking bags under my eyes. I turn on the shower and am determined to get my sex back on. The hot water and shaving every single inch of me does the trick.

  I smear coconut body butter over me until every inch of my skin is creamy and looking alive again. Couple that with plenty of shiny hair oil and whore perfume and I begin to see a sliver of the old Scout coming back to life.

  After squeezing into my most fuckable dress and by fuckable I mean I could fuck the fantastic material and hopefully, someone will want to bang me in it. I check the mirror one more time and realize I need to take it easy on slaying the fucking Hot Pockets. Exercise, a good diet, and plenty of water are what this body needs.

  I let out a loud chuckle and wave at my reflection in the mirror. “Fuck that shit. I need a real boner to do my body good.”

  Chapter 4

  My tits are on full display, hair on fleek, and legs banging in full strut. What am I doing? Walking down the fucking road! Bonnie, my 2002 Pontiac Bonneville, has finally had her last ride. I love that damn car, but right now?

  I’m dressed and ready to impress, found the courage to go out, and now I’m stranded. I’ve tried using my thumb a couple of times, but it didn’t work. I even shook the girls at some truckers, and I just received a sympathy honk.

  I’m melting by the minute and swatting away the damn mosquitos. I keep checking my phone, and yep, the battery is still dead. I’m beginning to regret leaving the flares behind in the trunk. Mom keeps them in there for emergencies.

  “Hey.” A voice comes.

  I look up at a slowing car to see a mid-size vehicle full of men and one woman in the backseat. Well, hey there glory land. I wipe the glistening sweat from my forehead, shake the girls a bit, and bend over to lean in the passenger window.

  “Need a ride.”

  No, I lost my vagina and just thought I’d go out in search of it. Lassie should be back any minute with it if he isn’t stuck in a well. Oh, and by the way, it’s a golden vagina if you happen to come across it. Shines nicely in the sun.

  “I’d appreciate one.”

  “Where are you heading?” The handsome blond driving asks.

  “Going to Dixie’s for the evening.”

  The tan-skinned God on my side smiles brightly. “We’ll be passing there. Hop in.”

  I nestle in the back where there’s only room for three, and now there’s four of us. I’m a bit disappointed when I’m sandwiched between a female and male. However, the man on my right smells like hot sex and coconut. I want to lick him from his exposed collar bone to the tip of his ear.

  Olivia would turn her nose up at the man with his Metro look, but my ovaries are doing fucking somersaults. I’m thinking that joining their party may be more exciting than meeting up with the fun cop known as Olivia.

  They continue their conversation while I mentally pat myself on the back for picking up a car load of hot, sizzling sausage. My game is back. My chest swells with pride and my titties twinkle knowing my sexy is back in action.

  I don’t mind sitting back and taking it all in. I let my legs spread open a bit to rub my thigh against that of Mr. McBoner 2016. He doesn’t seem to be affected by me, so I let my arm rest down on the top of his thigh.

  I need to get laid tonight. Like, all the way, toe curling, life changing, pig flying hot sex with no parental interruptions and a big ol’ dick. On second thought, I may need to be highly medicated. I’ve lost my goddamn marbles, and I’ll be the first to admit that I didn’t start out with many.

  A hand runs up my thigh. It’s the wrong thigh, though. I whip my attention over to the blonde sitting next to me. She smiles back at me while running her hand closer to the edge of my skirt.

  “Want to join us tonight?” She purrs.

  Is this for fucking real right now?

  Oh, shit. I just hopped into the freak wagon. This may get pretty damn entertaining and push my limits to freakiness. I’m not willing to lose Queen of Kink sash anytime soon either.

  Dixie’s is just a block away. It’s a now or never decision. I don’t think I’d mind seeing another woman’s tits while we both fuck gorgeous men. The no-fly zone will be her lunchbox because I don’t have taste buds for that shit. I mean as long as there’s no touching between us, I think I could give this a go.

  She leans over and whispers into my ear. It’s not so much of a whisper since everyone in the car is staring at us except the driver.

  “They won the bet and got to go to a male gay bar. A lesbian like me will be bored out of her mind all night. We could entertain each other.”

  I choke on my own saliva like a real fucking champ.

  “You guys are gay.” I point to each Calvin Klein model in the car.

  They all nod in unison. “And you’re into tacos?”

  She nods biting her bottom lip.

  “Why did you pick me up?”

  “Because I want you.” She runs a finger down my forearm.

  I have never in my life been speechless. I’m always armed with a witty comeback. Always. My jaw hangs wide open.

  The blonde presses it shut with the tip of her finger while lazily dragging it down my neck. How in the hell do I respond?

  “I’m meeting friends, but thanks.”

  The car comes to a stop, and I do a gold fucking medal leap over the once thought McFuckinator and sprint into the club.

  “Scout,” Olivia waves me over to a corner booth.

  I’m speechless, breathless, just all-around less.

  “Are you okay?” She asks. Oren joins the table with a round of beers.

  “No, I’m not.” I throw my purse down on the table. “Bonnie just died on the side of the road. I walked a few miles when I was looking fuckable only to be picked up by a carload of four men and one woman.”

  I toss the beer back chugging it all.

  “So, what’s the problem with that? Isn’t that a wet dream of yours?” Olivia asks.

  “Um, Scout that wasn’t your beer…”

  I cut him off and get to the real punch-a-roo of my horror story.

  “I was feeling pretty good. My tits were on display like having a really good plump, full, and even pebbled up rack.” I shake the girls out for good measure. “Come to find out. The men were gay heading to a gay bar and ONLY picked me up because the woman wanted to chow my box.”

  A voice clears behind me. I freeze in fear and then whisper.

  “Is it a blonde woman? She’s probably casing me right now.”

  Olivia spews out her beer.

  “It’s Diesel.” Olivia nods his head.

  I whirl around to see the hot mechanic. He’s tall, dark, covered in ink with long shaggy black hair. I notice he has shaved the sides letting the long pieces all fall to one side.

  I wave my finger in an aimless circle. “Um, how much of that did you hear?”

  “Tits on point.” He hides a smile.

  “You’re leaning on his seat,” Olivia hollers over the loud music that’s started to play.

  “Sorry.” I step back.

  He nods at me. He’s all gentlemen even though he could be a poster child for the American Badass. “No worries, Scout.”

  He picks up the beer bottle that I managed to suck dry. “Oh shit, sorry, Fuel, I’ll go get you another one.”

  I’m three steps away before I turn back to him. “Oh fuck, it’s Diesel. I’m sorry it’s a weird tick about me. Word association gone bad.”

  I have two stiff shots down me before returning to the table with two beers in my hand. I should’ve been a thoughtful friend and bought two more for the love birds. Shit like that tends to escape me at all moments of the day.

  “Here, Diesel.” I sit the beer down in front of him while slowly pronouncing his name.

  “Thanks, and Fuel is fine, it’s kind of funny.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, no one has ever had the ba
lls to me call me that.”

  “Well, she has big ol’ hairy lady nuts,” Olivia interrupts. “Don’t ever tell her anything you don’t want to be haunted with years down the road.”

  “Just because I told our principal about the time you shit your pants during recess duty, you’re going to hold that over me forever.” I beam at her knowing exactly what I’m doing.

  “You shit your pants on recess duty?” Oren turns to her with a horrified face.

  “I know how to get her all fired up,” I whisper to Diesel.

  “I see that.” Diesel holds his beer up, and we clink bottles.

  “To business, asshole.” Olivia stares daggers my direction. “You’ll need to start coming into the shop the next few Saturdays for training, not shooting the shit.”

  “Okay,” I nod. “It’s not like I have anything else to do.”

  The reality of my life, which has been magnified by being picked up by a lesbian tonight, hits me hard. I finish my beer in a quick swallow.

  Olivia goes on about all the details that will need to be covered in her absence of wedding planning and her honeymoon. None of it’s new to me. Hell, since I’ve practically grown up in the shop with her. I know it’s one thing I can’t fuck up because Olivia’s Dad is everything to her.

  “Got it,” I nod to her. “I’ll come in this Saturday to get started. I’ve got this. No worries.”

  “Hey, did you say your car broke down?” Diesel leans over and whispers.

  “Yeah, Bonnie took her final ride I’m afraid.” I offer him a weak smile.

  “Where’s it at?”

  “On the side of the road.”

  “No, shit, Soldier or I mean Scout.” He offers up a half smile.

  “Soldier?” I ask turning to him.

  “Word association or some shit like that.”

  “Funny, Fuel.” I slap his thigh.

  When my palm slaps down on it, I realize just how fucking built the man is. It’s strong, and I like the feel of it.

  “Hang around after my show?”